You'll spam me?? Such is the gist of the following email, reproduced in whole below, that I received from a friend from church, who frankly should have known better. Hopefully she does not now consider me a fiend instead of a friend. This was just too "target rich" an environment to stay silent. For this post, I've corrected my pitiful spelling errors. I've also had to reformat the message, as the version as sent to me was a real mess, but then, so I find was my response. Such is life when using Outlook.
This
Where's the Tequila & Salt. Have A Nice Day! Tequila and Salt This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it everyday. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in someway.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone
7. You are special and unique.
8.Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
So..........If you are a loving friend, send this to everyone, including the one that sent it to you. If you get it back,then they really do love you
And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt, and call me over!
Good friends are like stars.......You don't always see them, but you know they are always
there."Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"
I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone.
Forward to all your friends, including me. ![sic] And don't tell me you're too busy for this.
Don't you know the phrase "stop and smell the flowers"?
Persons of a sensitive nature or people who are easily offended by reality are asked to stop reading now read on and remember the wise saying of the Ancient Programmer:
“If you don’t like it, you can 101011101110110100100111001100011001011111000110101010 01010100101, bub!!!!!”
Now for the Snark:
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in someway.Some corollaries:
- There is at least 1 person who would kill for you. Man that just makes my day! What a great feeling! I hope to meet mine, because I’ve got some “mistakes” (see item 9 below) that just cry out for some fixin’...
- Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies. (See item 1 above.)
Some of them are not stalkers, pedophiles or even remotely creepy in any way… really!
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
Where “they want to be just like you” = “know you very well” or “know what you have been doing.”
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
In much the same way that dollar, British sterling, or Euro denominated hard currency does… but this is much cheaper, (and much less heavy, especially if we are talking gold bullion instead) so it makes me smile… see! It’s a self-regenerating Circle of Giving™! But just think about how you can double this blessing! So next time you see me, smile as you fork over all of your cash! I’ll be sure to “pay it forward” someday. Honest, I swear!
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
Yes, and it causes me many sleepless nights while I map their insidious plots and plan appropriate countermeasures… If I go down, I’m taking as many as I can with
me!
6. You mean the world to someone.
Just so long as they understand that I am no way responsible for the current rotten state of the world… at least not that anyone can prove beyond a reasonable doubt. Convicted? No, never convicted. Or did you mean that “You are mean to someone in the world.”? This is a dirty lie! I don’t play favorites!
7. You are special and unique.
Yes, just like everyone else…
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
I’m confused… So you are saying that someone knows and loves me, but I’ve never met them? That would be “some one I don’t even know”… Or are you saying that someone who is non-existent loves me? Because that is a logical impossibility… either way, I think that may just be the tequila talking… And even if I could understand the your statement, and grant what you are saying, do they love the actualized, extant “me”, some idea that they have that I might be like, even though they have never met me, and probably doubt my existence all the same, or is it a higher, purer, Platonic Form of “me-ness” that so permeates the fabric of the multi-verse? To be honest, I’m betting on the tequila here.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
This depends largely on one of several consequences of the“biggest mistake evvah”:
1. Do you “really like” bald 300+ lbs. inmates named bubba?
2. Are you willing to associate closely with trial lawyers to sue the **** out of the deep pockets that said “mistake” is being pinned on?
3. You’ve got another bottle of tequila? If not, leave now! You’re harshing my buzz, man.
4. Are you talking about the wife and kids? Because I never get any sleep with all the damn noise and the tax breaks are utterly overrated.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
Now’s your big chance to take advantage of the world, while its back is turned! Be Prepared! Just make sure it’s not looking over its shoulder while you execute “Operation Total Domination.” And be sure you’ve brought enough spare batteries for your evil robot army.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
Unless the compliments flow after the bottle of tequila is empty, because you just can’t believe a thing that a drunkard says. On the other hand, you and the other drunk probably won’t remember a thing anyway… it’s probably for the best.
So..........If you are a loving friend, send this to everyone, including the one that sent it to you. If you get it back, then they really do love you
So what you are implying is this:
a. “Loving friend” equals “spammer”
b. I shouldn’t send this with “return receipt” turned on, because a small, efficient “mail acknowledge packet” does not equal “love” but resending a large HTML formatted email, with or without in-line snark, does? Weird. Well, all my friends are weird… and all, except you, are not spammers, so I guess you are the only one who loves me… JOY!!! Can you help me move this heavy stained carpet roll? Thanks, U R teh best!
And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt, and call me over!
No problem, but could you pickup some salt and tequila on your way over? Oh and some limes, since that’s the sour citrus fruit that is traditionally used when doing tequila shots. But, hey, we can still use the lemons, so be sure to pick up a case of hefe-weisse as well. I prefer Paulaner in the 20 oz. bottles. Oh, and some lemons… I don’t have any. Kthksbye!
Good friends are like stars.......You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
Let’s unpack the analogy, shall we?
- Friends are giant balls of super heated gas plasma, who periodically emit high energy radiation that can destroy life as we know it, surrounded by a near vacuum
- Looking directly at friends for short periods can damage your vision, while staring at them for any length of time results in total blindness.
- Friends can and will go “super-nova” on you. Friends can be a part of a binary system, where your Primary friend and the Secondary Object (SO) are in a tangled, complicated orbit around each other, where invariably the SO is either
- A “Black Hole”, which grows wide with an ever expanding accretion disc, eventually consuming the Primary completely, continually spewing twin plumes of violent, hot gas in inverse directions from “the plane of the ecliptic” a.k.a., the neighborhood.
- A “Pulsar”, whose periodic outbursts of high-energy plasma is so consistent, you can set your watch by them.
- A “Neutron Star”, who is very tiny and very very dense.
- A “Red Giant” really self-explanatory, but a word of caution: this type will always go super-nova on you in the end. Your friend may also be any of the above doing the same to the SO…
"Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though Sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway"
So what you are saying is that such literary luminaries (see above) such as Dante, Shakespeare, Terry Pratchett, and AC/DC where all wet then they referred to a “Highway to hell?” It’s really a “Hallway to hell?” Talk about the banality of evil… much like capitalizing every word in an unreferenced “quotation,” or not using a period at the end a sentence, but I digress.I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone.
"You can get much further with a kind word and a 2x4 than you can with just a kind word alone.” – J. Michael Straczynski
Forward to all your friends, including me!
Sorry you’ve been voted out of the ever important “friends of me” club… unless you show up with the tequila, salt, lime and bier… and/or give me a big smile and an even bigger wad of cash, cuz then, OMG U R t0TaLly MY BFF 4EVVAH!!! Yeah.
And don't tell me you're too busy for this.
It is self-evident that I’m not too busy, since I clearly spent hours
crafting some finely honed snark in response to this silly, sloppy,
smarmy, slice of spam… so no… I’m never too busy… not for you, you old
pal-o-mino!
Don't you know the phrase "stop and smell the flowers"
Never heard of it, (this is called plausible deniability… or is it deniable plausibility… I never can keep that straight.) and you know how much I like flowers. So bring some roses, orchids and gardenias, about 3 dozen of each, along with that case of tequila (“Tres Generations”, por favor, not that wretched “gringo juice” you usually swill down like spring water on a hot day.) and the 4 cases of weiss bier you promised you’d bring. AND if you start singing that annoying Glen Campbell song again, I SWEAR BY CTHULHU that I will target my ICBM’s at your command bunker and THIS TIME…
Or have you never heard of the phrase “Nuke ‘em ‘til they glow, then shoot ‘em in the dark”?
And, Thanks for caring™®©!” I really mean that!
